Notes and misadventures in adulthood (Chapter two)

The fear: I’m forty-one and still don’t have my ‘shit together’… what if I never do?

All I want to know is, when will it all become clear?

The other day, I dropped my phone on my face twice in a row — checking and rechecking my Medium, Tumblr, Instagram, Twitter and email notifications.

I know, so sad. *shakes head*

I’ve drunk from the ‘Kool Aid’ and now I’m hooked. The fact that I’m already an actual sugar addict, really should have been fair warning for me to swerve the incessant world of notifications. But alas, until further notice — this is my ‘virtual’ dystopia.

Point is, I’m tripping up over and over, in exactly the same way. Granted — I’m no genius, but I’m not a fucking moron either.

I don’t make nonsense out of common sense, I’m doing OK in life, I can filter out most levels of foolishness (disclaimer: this doesn’t always apply to affairs of the heart, love seemingly makes no sense and I’ve been known to engage in levels of foolishness I never knew were possible. Sigh), I’m loyal to family and friends, my parenting skills are not terrible and I give a sturdy ‘no thank you’ to cold callers.

But, I’m not fulfilled just yet.

So what’s my problem?

I’m not asking for a friend, I’d like to know how and when I’m actually going to get my ‘shit together’.

James Baldwin once said:

“How much time for your progress?” — James Baldwin

Admittedly, I’m taking his quote entirely out of context. At the time, he was referring to the much bigger cause of ‘race relations’ and the Civil Rights movement — constantly being met with calls to be patient for progression of said progress.

I digress, and I could only hope that Mr Baldwin would have forgiven me for the use of his quote. But I humbly suggest, that it can be applied to folks around the world just like me.

Over the age of forty and not shitty human beings, trying to be mindful in evolving and yet finding themselves a little stuck in the process.

The sound of the clock tick tocking just that bit louder now, serving as a constant reminder of time . Will we run out of it and just return to dust, all before we get to grips with thriving and not just surviving?

That is the fear.

There is a whisper that’s telling me to get down in amongst the roots of my being, internal is where it’s at.

I have questions, I don’t have answers yet…

but I’m ready to learn.