Underneath it all
the mechanics of self
Promises are pointless
I never make promises.
If I ever tell you that I will never let you down or hurt you in anyway, would you believe me?
Pro tip: you shouldn’t.
What claim do I have on the future? Who will I become? What circumstances might I find myself in that may give me cause to let you down or hurt you? I can’t answer these questions and neither can you, so I have no business making promises. Promises are the type of absolutist statements that are made to be broken, just like rules.
Why does this word ‘promise’ trigger me so damn much? Whenever anyone attempts to make a promise to me, my brain seems to ring an alarm and all the fibres in my DNA twitch. My immediate thought is to reject it as a lie, more often than not I will tell the person not to make me promises — just do their best. Maybe I have trust issues that run river deep, or maybe I just don’t like the word?? Hmm, psychoanalysis would likely reveal the former.
What words trigger you? Do you understand why they do?
It’s a Writers life for me
Being a writer is both a blessing and a curse for me. I feel called by the pen to spill ink relentlessly, at all hours of the day and night. My mind is constantly harassed by words wanting to take form, they ask me to create art with their syllables and textures. They demand life. Once they are spilled or spoken, they breathe.
“Words are things. You must be careful, careful about calling people out of their names, using racial pejoratives and sexual pejoratives and all that ignorance. Don’t do that. Some day we’ll be able to measure the power of words. I think they are things. They get on the walls. They get in your wallpaper. They get in your rugs, in your upholstery, and your clothes, and finally in to you.” — Maya Angelou
I would say I too am convinced by the living breathing power of words, I can only hope to become more mindful of this day by day. Some days, I really blow it. On those days writers block ensues, I feel the block takes hold if i’m in resistance to what is written on my soul in any given moment. I’m incredibly passionate. But, I’m also an introvert who avoids confrontation. On a bad day, this is my saving grace. Being more mindful is hard. I find the words in the Tao Te Ching by Lao Tsu a helpful book for that.
What quotes resonate with you? Are you able to apply them to your own life?
I’ve got these feelings
Sometimes I think I might drown in a sea of emotions, so many raw emotions to manage. The one I view with a side eye like a ‘frenemy’ in the worst of times is my anger — definitely needs management. I’m the implosive type, so I will give ninety nine one more chances — but the one hundreth time, we have one huge problem that manifests in a volcanic eruption. Yikes. I’m working on it, but progress is slow.
Anxiety: I’m convinced this is why my metabolism hasn’t slowed down as yet. I have some OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) tendencies, I’m hesitant to label myself because I haven’t been diagnosed as such — but in my opinion i’m somewhere on the mild end of that spectrum. Door handles are a problem, I just can’t touch them with my bare hands. I will use tissue, a sleeve or anything else other than my hand *shudders*. Grass is my nemesis, I avoid it like the plague.
One summer myself, a friend and his girlfriend and my then very new boyfriend — had tickets for a Afro Hair and Beauty show here in London. When we arrived at the event, my heart sank. It was in a park, to get to the main building — we would need to walk across a hideous green field of nightmares. I told everyone I would walk around the perimeter of this (large) park on the lovely concrete path and meet them inside. Cue the quizzical looks. My boyfriend wasn’t up for it, so he piggy backed me safely across. In hindsight, that was probably when he decided we were not going to make it as a couple. I find the book Emotional Intelligence 2.0 by Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves, a really helpful guide in recognising and dealing with all emotions in a constructive way.
Which emotions get the best of you?
Love is my muse
I am in love with the idea of being in love. The reality of it, is quite a head fuck though. But it fascinates me all the while, like a moth to a flame — i’m captivated. Love is everything there ever was good about humankind. What may have begun as a simple call to mate millions of years ago, has manifested into daily ritualistic behaviour by folks like you and I all over the world to seek companionship and passion. A natural human drug, that we manufacture and produce in our brains as a chemical reaction stimulated by dopamine — according to Neuro Science this is the case. It’s not just me, we humans are all love addicts. Craving its highs and lows, the elation — the heartbreak. Now it has become ingrained in our evolution. It is intense, intoxicating, let’s go ahead and call it magic — like Mother Natures slight of hand producing a storm in the desert. It’s non-sensical and a wild ride. All aboard!
What does love conjure up for you?
Right here and now, I know I am forever evolving. Never evolved.
I commit acts of self betrayal every time I resist my souls intentions. I fuck up all the time, I have enough self awareness to know when I have done so. I want to optimise my self awareness for better self management across every aspect of life. I don’t aim to never fuck up again, just do it a little better and perhaps less frequently. With every step I take, I would ask the Universe to meet me there. Humility is required. Self love is necessary. I am just like you, we are beautifully flawed.